We realize that there are some ludicrous aspects to this story - but since that never stopped the professional seaQuest writers we'll let it go - just this once.
The seaQuest was on the third week of a six week training cruise. Everything was routine - so routine that it was downright boring. Just the type of situation that lends itself to wandering minds, or short tempers or, as was often the case since Tony joined forces with Lucas - practical jokes.
It had been a long and arduous day. Cmdr. Ford and Lt. Brody just wanted to have a quiet dinner and unwind. They made their way to an empty table in the officers' mess hall and sat down. Ford picked up a squeeze bottle of ketchup and held it over his fries. The whole top popped off and the contents of the bottle emptied onto his dinner.
"Oh damn!"
Lt. Brody found this amusing. Ford shot him a dirty look. "Hey, don't get mad at me. Looks like the Katzenjammer Kids have struck again." He picked up a sugar container. After checking the top he poured a liberal amount into his coffee and took a drink. Suddenly he sprayed it out of his mouth. He was gasping for breath but he managed to say. "Salt....it's salt."
It was Ford's turn to be amused.
"If I killed them, would you look the other way?" Brody asked.
"Of course not. There are a number of places you could kill them that are out of my sight, however."
* * *
Meanwhile in rec room 3 the lights were dimmed and a movie was playing on the vid screen. A few feet away Miguel Ortiz sat on one end of a couch and Lonnie Henderson sat on the other. Lt. Tim O'Neill sat on the floor in front of the center cushion. Lucas stood against the wall trying to look nonchalant. Tony Piccolo was in front of the counter that ran down the back wall. He had melted some butter in the nearby microwave and poured it over a large bowl of popcorn. He then carried the bowl over to the couch and placed it between Henderson and Ortiz. "There ya go. Just like at the multiplex theater," he promised.
"How come you're being so nice?" Lonnie was suspicious.
"I told ya. We played a mean prank before. We're trying to make amends. We don't want any hard feelings among our closest friends." Tony glanced over his shoulder at Lucas who had to turn away to keep from laughing.
Ortiz tentatively took one kernel of popcorn and ate it. It tasted alright so he dug in and grabbed a handful and stuffed most of it into his mouth.
Henderson was still suspicious. She tilted the bowl to one side and shook it. Suddenly she batted the bowl onto the floor. Its buttery contents spilled all over O'Neill. She lept up on the couch and screamed, "Roaches!! It's full of roaches!"
Ortiz spat his mouthful out and started to choke.
O'Neill jumped to his feet. He couldn't decide what to do. He would have liked to kill Lucas and Tony who were falling all over each other with laughter but Lonnie looked really terrified and Ortiz was choking so he just ignored pranksters.
"Kill them! Kill them!" Lonnie shrieked. "I hate roaches and the boat is crawling with them."
O'Neill started banging Ortiz on the back. "Calm down, Lonnie. Breathe, Miguel. You'd better run you little brats," he hollered after Lucas and Tony who peeled out the door just before Dagwood entered.
"Tony said there was a mess in here." Dagwood was armed with his cleaning tools waiting to be of service.
"Yeah and he's responsible for it," O'Neill muttered with disgust.
Dagwood looked around. He spotted the bag Tony had shoved to the back of the counter. He grabbed a handful of the candy cockroaches and munched on them.
Ortiz had just gotten his breath back. "Dags! Don't! They're bugs!"
Dagwood laughed. "No. They're candy. Tony gave me some before. He said I could have the rest. Didn't you like them?"
Ortiz looked away feeling a little sick. "Oh God," he mumbled under his breath.
"Candy!" Lonnie couldn't believe it. "Who would make candy cockroaches?"
"Who would buy them?" O'Neill wondered.
Dagwood, Lonnie and Ortiz answered him in unison, "Tony".
"I wish they'd grow up," Lonnie continued, "They're acting like a couple of kids."
"They are a couple of kids," Ortiz reminded her.
"Yeah, the kid brothers from Hell." She was still angry.
"Speaking as a former kid brother myself." Ortiz salvaged a piece of popcorn from the couch. "I suggest revenge."
"Did that work with you?"
"Not really, the kid brother always has the tactical advantage of the mom always taking the side of the smaller kid."
"Lucas does sort of have the Captain's ear," Tim put in.
"There must be something we can do," Lonnie complained.
"I'm sure you guys will think of something," Ortiz stated.
"Us?! Why should we be the ones to think of something?"
"You're the officers. You get the big bucks," Ortiz shrugged getting interested in the movie once more.
O'Neill and Henderson exchanged glances. "You outrank me," she told him.
"I know some really intricate Arabian curses that are supposed to affect their descendants for generations to come," he offered.
"Keep thinking," Lonnie told him.
* * *
The next day Ortiz was manning the Sensor station on the bridge. He was making a routine adjustment on a relay when suddenly the metal input jack made a loud crackling sound and sent a shock searing into his fingertips. He yelped and jammed his burnt fingers into his mouth.
Henderson was on the station next to him. "Are you okay?" She was concerned.
"I'm fine," he tried to say around his fingers but had to remove them and repeat it before he could be understood. By this time Cmdr. Ford had arrived.
"What happened?" he asked.
"He burned his hand," Henderson reported.
"Do you need medical attention, Mr. Ortiz?" Ford went on in a businesslike fashion.
"No, ah, no sir." Ortiz tried to cloak his frustration while speaking with a superior officer. "This is the third time this has shorted out this morning. I'm going to have to tear it down and see what's wrong."
"Very well, take your position off line and run a diagnostic."
"Aye sir," Ortiz said less than enthusiastically. He tossed his headset on the console, got up and pushed his chair aside so he could crawl under the station.
"Henderson, key up auxiliary sensors," Ford commanded.
"Aye, sir."
"Let me know when you're ready to go back on line," Ford told Ortiz and turned to walk back to the command chair. He ran into Lucas who was hovering around out of curiosity. "Give him a hand." Ford thought it better that the prankster be kept busy. He wondered where his partner in crime was.
Lucas walked over to the sensor station and squatted next to Ortiz who was now flat on his back. He had the access panel off and was head and shoulders into the hole and working on a complex wiring harness.
"Need some help?" Lucas asked pleasantly.
"Yeah, right," Ortiz scoffed.
"What's that all about?" Lucas did not care for the rebuff.
"You expect me to believe you and Beavis aren't responsible for this?"
"What?!"
"It isn't funny, Lucas." Lonnie was also annoyed. "He burned his hand."
"We didn't do this. We wouldn't do anything that would really HURT anybody." Lucas was shocked at the implication.
"No, not much," Ortiz strained as he worked on a wire that was stuck fast. "Like poisoning pop corn?"
"It wasn't poison. It was candy for crying out loud!"
"It was still a mean trick," Lonnie put in. "Why'd you do it?"
"It was supposed to be funny."
"Well, it wasn't," Lonnie insisted.
"AH HAH!" Ortiz' voice sounded triumphant.
"You find something?" Lonnie asked.
"Sure did." Ortiz crawled out of the housing with a roach held in his tweezers. "Your calling card." He held it up to Lucas.
"Miguel, we didn't....."
"Not much. Do you realize how lame it is trying to use these to scare us again?!"
"But we didn't....."
"I'll show you how scared I am. Maybe I'll just eat this, huh?"
"No! Miguel, don't!"
"I thought so. You guys are so unimaginative." He popped the bug into his mouth.
Lucas gasped but Ortiz ignored him and went back to work on the wires. Again he ran into resistance and had to really tug at a coupling. When he did yank it free half a dozen more roaches fell out onto the floor and scurried away immediately. Two crawled over Lonnie's foot causing her to jump back and scream.
This time Ford came at a run. "What happened did you get shocked too?"
"In a manner of speaking, I think they both did," Lucas said smugly.
Ford's eyes fell on Ortiz who's normally olive complexion was looking decidedly pale and gray. "Are you alright? You look terrible."
"I've felt better," Ortiz admitted weakly.
"Maybe you'd better let Wendy check you out. You must have been burned worse than you thought."
"Or maybe something he ate disagreed with him," Lucas suggested.
"Commander! There's roaches everywhere!" Lonnie curled her feet up onto her stool. "My mother warned me that the state of Florida was crawling with cockroaches."
"I suppose you don't have cockroaches in Wyoming?" Tony put in.
No one had seen him and Brody approach them.
"Not like this," Lonnie seethed. "Big ones. We saddle 'um up and ride 'um over jerks like you and Lucas!"
"What'd I do?" Tony demanded. He never got an answer because Ortiz with one hand over his mouth and the other over his stomach asked permission to leave the bridge.
"You two take him to Medbay. Henderson, transfer ops to the stations on the other side of the bridge. Brody, go get the bug spray."
"Why me?" he asked the exasperated commander.
"Because you're security. Repelling invaders is in your job description. Now everybody MOVE!" He went back to the command chair to try and regain his composure. He was going to have to speak to the Captain about Tony and Lucas' pranks. He could tell by the reaction of the others that they were somehow behind this.
* * *
Lucas and Tony walked into Medbay with a very pale Ortiz between them.
"Hey, Doc, " Tony called out, "Got a customer for you."
"What's wrong?" Wendy got up from her desk and approached them.
"Careful," Tony warned, "He darn near tossed his cookies in the Maglev."
"'Scuse me." Ortiz ran into the head.
"What is going on here?" Wendy demanded.
"Must be some kind of bug," Tony laughed. Lucas also broke up.
"A man is ill. How is this funny?"
"Let Ortiz explain. Me 'n Lucas gotta go. They're shorthanded on the bridge now."
Wendy doubted them but turned her attention to Ortiz who didn't look much better as he emerged from the head.
As Tony dragged Lucas away he told him of the great prank ideas the Medbay had given him.
* * *
An hour later Tony and Lucas were once more outside Medbay.
"You sure this will work?" Lucas asked.
"Can't miss. You don't think Ortiz would have actually admitted he ate a cockroach, do you?"
"Well what if she read his mind?"
"She wouldn't do that unless he was unconscious or something. Not for just a bellyache," Tony assured him. "Ya ready?"
"I guess."
"Remember lay it on thick." They walked into Medbay. Once inside Lucas doubled up clutching his stomach. He groaned in agony and Tony had to hold him up. "Doc, got another one," he called. This time he sounded worried.
"What is it?"
"Beats me, Doc, but he's been pukin' his guts out and he has a sharp pain in his side."
"Might be his appendix. Help me get him onto this gurney."
Lucas hollered in pain when they lifted him.
"Run down to the lab. Get me a medtech," Wendy yelled as she wheeled the gurney into an examining room.
Tony ran to the lab but it wasn't a med tech he was after.
Wendy locked the gurney into place and put her hands on Lucas' shoulders. "Calm down, Lucas, I'm going to help you. Move your hands."
"No. It hurts. It HURTS!"
"I have to examine you, Lucas." Wendy maintained her patience. She firmly took a hold of his wrists.
"No NO," he screamed and tried to double over.
"Lucas, I don't want to restrain you but I will unless you let me examine you."
He reluctantly allowed her to pull his hands away from his stomach and lift up his baggy shirt. When she did a gruesome looking toy alien on a spring leapt at her. She jumped back and screamed.
Lucas rolled off the gurney and laughed uproariously.
Wendy picked up the toy and shook it at him barely able to control her anger. "Get out," she said through clenched teeth, "Before I decide you and Tony are due for a proctologic exam!"
Lucas took her at her word and ran out of Medbay. In the corridor he met Tony carrying a duffel bag that had been secreted in his own shirt.
"You get it?" Lucas asked.
"They don't call me Lightfingers Piccolo for nothing," Tony bragged. "How'd she take it?"
"She threatened both of us with proctology exams."
"Maybe we should lay off Wendy. After all, there's tons of other marks here for us," Tony suggested.
"Good idea. I don't think I'm getting my alien back."
"She was that steamed?"
"She was that steamed."
* * *
A few hours later Captain Bridger was walking down one of the main corridors. Ford, Brody and Wendy were with him. They were complaining about the pranks.
"Really, Jonathan, I can't see where a few harmless pranks are worth..."
"Oh, it's gone way past harmless, Sir. I'm afraid it's time for a command decision now," Ford insisted.
"Alright, I'll make a command decision," Bridger agreed. "I've decided you can handle it."
"Me?"
"You're the exec. I'm delegating this job to you. Handle it anyway you see fit. I'll back you all the way." Bridger stepped into the Maglev.
They all felt less than satisfied as the doors closed and the car pulled away.
"I still say we kill them," Brody commented as they turned around and headed back down the corridor. They walked in front of Dagwood who was moping the floor.
"Would that be funny?" he asked.
"What?"
"Would it be funny to just kill them or is it only funny to scare them to death?"
"What are you talking about, Dagwood?" Wendy asked.
"Tony and Lucas said playing a joke that will scare someone to death is funny. I don't understand."
"Yes you do, Dagwood," Wendy explained. "It isn't funny to scare someone to death. It's just an expression."
"Wait a minute," Brody objected, "I think he knows something. Dagwood, do you know what Tony and Lucas are planning?"
"Ohhhh," Dagwood said miserably "I'm not supposed to tell. It's a secret."
"Some secrets are not good to keep," Brody urged him on. "Someone could get hurt with one of these pranks."
"I wouldn't want someone to get hurt." Dagwood thought it over.
"Well, if you tell us what they are planning we can prevent anyone from getting hurt," Brody assured him.
"Well, okay, I'll tell. Just this once," Dagwood decided.
* * *
That night Miguel Ortiz wearily keyed the lockcode to the door on his quarters. When the lock clicked he pushed the door opened and stepped inside. As usual, his bunkmate Higgins sat at the desk slaving away at the books. He was studying to get into Officer's Training School.
"Why don't you give it a rest, Hig?" Ortiz suggested. "Lighten up a little. All that studying will kill you."
Higgins didn't answer so Ortiz walked over to where his bunkmate was slouched over the desk. He didn't move. Ortiz found this curious.
"Higgins?" he shook Higgins' shoulder.
Higgins crumpled to the floor. That is, Higgins' jumpsuit crumpled to the floor but inside the jumpsuit was a skeleton.
Ortiz stepped back and gasped. He clutched his chest and doubled over fighting to get his breath back. He couldn't do it. There was a stabbing pain. He had to get help. He clawed his way to the corridor. Lucas and Tony "just happened" to be passing by. Ortiz threw himself at them.
"Help," he gasped. He was sucking air in but seemed to be getting no relief. "Hurts." He clutched his chest.
"What the hell's the matter?" Tony yelled.
Ortiz' eyes rolled up into his head and he passed out. They caught him and lowered him to the deck.
O'Neill and Henderson came upon them.
"What happened?" Lonnie demanded.
"I don't know." Lucas' eyes were as big as saucers. "He just passed out."
Lonnie knelt beside him and checked his neck pulse. "His pulse is racing. Call Medbay," she commanded. Tony ran to obey.
"What is it?" Lucas demanded.
"It looks like a heart attack."
"That's impossible!" Lucas stated.
"No, it isn't," O'Neill said quietly. "Ever since that incident with the Atlantian helmet he's had a weak heart. It was supposed to be a secret. He was afraid he'd get dry-docked. You know this job is everything to him."
"We didn't know." Lucas shook his head with disbelief. "He always seemed so healthy."
Just then Ford and Brody ran up. "What the hell's going on?" Ford demanded with uncharacteristic vulgarity.
"He's not breathing!!" Lonnie yelled beginning CPR.
Brody knelt by Ortiz' head and began mouth-to-mouth.
"He's my best friend. Don't let him die!" O'Neill begged piteously.
Ford took his arm and Lucas' and backed them away. "Let's give them room to work," he suggested quietly.
Tony and Wendy came running from the other direction. Wendy carried a med kit. Ford pulled Tony over with them and Wendy went to work. She pulled all kinds of things out of the med kit. They worked furiously on him for quite a long time. Wendy employed the portable defibrillator four times. Finally she said sadly, "I'm sorry it's no use." She looked at her watch. "What time do you have, Commander?"
"NOOO!!!" Lonnie screamed and continued to give him CPR.
"Lonnie, he's gone," Wendy told her.
O'Neill dropped to his knees and buried his face in his hands knocking his glasses off.
"Miguel," Lonnie sobbed draping herself across his chest and crying hysterically.
Brody sat by his head looking stunned.
"We did all we could," Wendy said softly. "We just couldn't save him." She took off her lab coat and gently laid it over his face.
Dagwood joined the group. "What's happening?" he asked pleasantly.
"Dagwood," Lonnie looked up still sobbing uncontrollably, "Miguel is dead!"
"Oh," said Dagwood simply. "Is it funny yet?"
"Funny?!" Lonnie shrieked with disbelief.
"Tony and Lucas said they were going to scare Ortiz to death and it would be funny," Dagwood explained seriously.
"You two had something to do with this?!" Ford couldn't believe it. While they groped for words, Brody charged into Ortiz' quarters like a bull elephant. He came out shaking the skeleton that wore Higgins' uniform.
"They killed him alright and THIS proves it was premeditated. You two are goin' down for Murder One. Being the Captain's spoiled little fair haired boys won't get you off this time." He angrily shoved the skeleton at Dagwood and grabbed Tony and Lucas roughly by the arms. "Come on," he barked. "You two are going to the brig." He dragged them away.
When they were clear Lonnie started to laugh and Wendy picked the lab coat up off of Ortiz.
"I don't see why you couldn't have given me mouth-to-mouth instead of Brody," Ortiz complained.
"Because we didn't want you to have some kind of miraculous recovery," O'Neill explained feeling around for his glasses.
"I thought Lucas was going to cry," Wendy commented with some pity.
"I thought Tony was going to wet his pants," O'Neill laughed then seemed surprised at his own remark.
"I think all of you guys are in the wrong line of work. You almost had me convinced. I'm never going to be able to believe another thing any of you tell me," Ford commented.
"Come on now, Commander. We were just following orders," Lonnie reminded him.
"Well, I think we cured them," Wendy put in.
"Oh not yet," Lonnie said with delight. "Not before Phase Two."
"What's Phase Two?" Ortiz asked suspiciously.
"Just a little something extra that Lt. Brody thought up as the icing on the cake."
"Hey, I'm already dead. What's past dead? You're NOT going to bury me at sea," he warned.
"Not quite," Lonnie smiled.
"Lonnie? Tim? Wendy?" Ortiz was getting a very bad feeling about this.
"Come on." Wendy was noncommittal. "Let's get the corpse to Medbay." She slid her hand under his arm and helped him to his feet.
"If he's dead he can't walk," Dagwood said getting into the spirit of things. Dagwood passed the skeleton to Ford. "I'd better carry him." He lifted Ortiz off the deck and slung him over his shoulder in a fireman's carry.
"Hey!" Ortiz objected, "What's going on? What's this Phase Two business? Dagwood I CAN walk!"
"Man, he sure makes a lot of racket for a dead guy," O'Neill complained.
"I thought I was your best friend," Ortiz grumbled.
"Bring him to Medbay, Dagwood," Wendy told him as they all moved off down the corridor.
"Dagwood, put me down!" Ortiz demanded and was ignored. "I got sick earlier today," He warned but was still ignored. "Jeez, once you're dead nobody listens to a word you say," he complained.
Soon Ford stood alone in the corridor with the skeleton. "What have I done?" he commented. "Now instead of two practical jokers, I have a whole boat full."
* * *
Lucas and Tony had been in the brig for about an hour when a stoic Captain Bridger walked up to their cell. He didn't say a word he just stared at them looking very disappointed.
"Captain," Lucas' voice caught, "It was an accident."
"A skeleton accidentally found it's way into Chief Higgins' uniform?"
"No sir," Tony admitted, "We did that but we didn't know that Ortiz has a weak ticker."
"Had, Mister Piccolo. Ortiz is dead, remember?" Bridger's voice was cold.
Lucas had to turn his back.
"We remember, sir," Tony said quietly.
"Well, I just came down to tell you that you will both be bound over to the Naval Central Division first thing in the morning. You'll be taken back to Cape Quest for court martial."
"That ain't right, Captain," Tony stated, "Lucas ain't even in the military."
"Ortiz was. The murder happened on a military vessel. This falls under their jurisdiction. There's nothing I can do."
"Captain," Tony continued, "This wasn't his fault. I'm the one that's the con. They gotta see that. He was just my flunky."
"Tony, his IQ is almost 200. Who do you think they will believe is the flunky?"
"He's right, Tony. I'm just as responsible as you are," Lucas' voice was strained.
"Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me," Bridger said formally. "I have to go call Miguel's mother and tell her that her son won't be coming home."
Lucas flung himself onto one of the cots in the cell and buried his face in the pillow. Tony sank to a sitting position on the floor and banged his head against the bars.
Bridger turned and left with out commenting on their apparent misery. Brody and Ford waited outside in the hall.
"Man, you're good," Ford said with admiration.
"I told you I'd go along with whatever you decided. How are you planning on getting out of this?"
"Oh, we have a great finale planned," Brody enthused. "Our young friends will be visited by Ortiz' ghost tonight."
"You sure that's not overkill?" Bridger asked.
"No sir. I guarantee they will NEVER pull another prank on this boat," Brody promised. He and Ford walked off planning their final coup.
"Rank amateurs," Bridger muttered.
* * *
The conspirators gathered in the room outside the brig early the next morning. Ortiz was dressed in a Medbay gown. Lonnie and Wendy had made up a concoction of ingredients they scoffed from both Medbay and the kitchen. They liberally applied the special make up to his skin. It made it look pale and waxy. His lips and fingers and toes had been made to look cyanotic. Dark smudges were under each eye. He even had a toe tag around his right big toe.
"You know, I always thought you'd make a better looking corpse than this," O'Neill commented off handedly.
"That's it. I'm outta here."
"Miguel, Miguel." Brody tried to placate him.
"Look, I agreed to die. I never said anything about all this."
"But Miguel," Lonnie gave it a try. "You look so good. I mean so bad," she giggled.
"Calm down, Miguel," Tim suggested.
"No. Don't calm down. Use that anger. Remember these guys made you eat a filthy, disgusting cockroach," Brody coached. "We gotta make 'um pay for that."
"That's right." Ortiz' eyes narrowed in anger.
"Atta boy. Now hop into this body bag."
"NO! I thought the toe tag was bad, but this is too much!"
"This'll get 'um, Miguel. This'll really scare the pants off of 'um," Brody promised.
"Oh, alright. Anything to get this all over with." He hopped up onto the gurney and reluctantly let them work the body bag up on him.
Wendy leaned close and whispered in his ear, "Don't worry. There's a big slit over here on this side. They won't see it but you'll get plenty of air. We won't zip it up all the way either."
"I'm not worried," he lied. "It's just creepy is all."
"Okay." Brody took charge. "You know what to do. After we leave, you wait a few minutes then unzip it and get out. Give 'um hell for killing you. I suspect the prisoners may soon need a change of wardrobe," he laughed.
"Well, I'd better stand by in case we have a real myocardial infarction," Wendy said.
"I thought I had a heart attack," Ortiz' muffled voice said from inside the bag.
"It's the same thing, Miguel. That's just the language doctors use to keep lay people confused," Lonnie explained.
"Alright now," Brody took over, "Everybody ready?"
"I though I was the only body around here."
"See what I mean. He's the gabbiest ghost on the planet," O'Neill commented.
"See if you're invited to the funeral," Ortiz threatened, "And you're definitely out of the will."
"Let's go," Brody said, "Security detail." Two security men stepped forward. They were dressed in full dress uniforms, as was Brody. The two men each took one end of the gurney and ceremoniously pushed it into the room with the holding cells. When it was in place, all three formally saluted the corpse. "Dismissed," Brody's voiced cracked. The security men turned and left. Brody walked up to the body bag. He unzipped it a little. "Damn it, Miguel," he choked, "You deserved better than this." He turned quickly and started to leave.
"You can't leave that, ah, him there," Tony yelled furiously.
"Why not?" Brody's eyes bored right into them. "His family wants him shipped home. They'll take him in the launch when they come to get you two."
"But he can't just stay there."
"Why not? Poor Ortiz is past caring where he is. He's not uncomfortable."
"Well we're a little uncomfortable," Tony admitted.
"Nobody cares about the comfort of a pair of murderers. You killed him. You deal with it." Brody turned on his heel and left.
"Oh God," Lucas gasped, "I can't look at it." He turned his back.
Tony stared at the body bag in silence. He stared so long his eyes began to play tricks on him. "Maybe you'd better look, Lucas." His voice shook.
"What for?"
"That's what for..." Tony pointed with one hand and grabbed Lucas' wrist with the other. His grip was like a vise and could not be ignored.
"What is it, Tony?" he demanded. His eyes followed Tony's pointing arm. He, too stared in disbelief. The zipper on the body bag was moving. A cold chill grew in the pit of his stomach. His brain told him this couldn't be happening but his eyes assured him it was.
When the zipper was down far enough, Ortiz sat up. They both screamed. One look at the Sensor Chief would convince anyone he was dead.
The corpse sat up and swung his feet over the edge of the gurney. The tag dangling from his toe tickled but he never let on. He crossed his arms over his chest and stared at them angrily for a minute. He made his voice sound as strange as possible and he yelled. "You frickin' killed me. Why the hell did you do that? I wanted to live. There was so much I didn't get a chance to do. You little sleezeballs."
"We're sorry," Lucas croaked.
It sounded so pathetic that Ortiz could not keep up pretenses any longer. He broke down and laughed. The other conspirators fell into the room laughing too.
"We've been had!" Tony screamed.
"You were ALL in on this?!" Lucas demanded angrily.
"Seems you guys can dish it out but you can't take it." Brody was smug.
"I hope you know this means war." Tony's eyes narrowed.
"NO," Ford said, "We're all even. It's over!"
"Not by a long shot," Tony muttered so only Lucas could hear.
"It is for me," Lucas returned the whisper but said aloud, "Captain Bridger was in on this?"
"Yes," Ortiz was happy to report.
"He really had you going too, didn't he?" Brody gloated. "Actually, we all did," he said as he unlocked their cell.
"Oh," O'Neill remembered. He tossed a set of coveralls at them, "Higgins wants these washed, by next watch."
"Well, they have chores to do. What say we all leave and go celebrate this coup," Brody suggested.
"Buy a dead guy some breakfast?" Ortiz asked hopefully.
"Not in that outfit," O'Neill declared.
"Hey, this was Brody's idea," Ortiz complained as they all drifted out of the room and let the door slam.
"Forget it, Tony," Lucas said without looking at him.
"Forget what?"
"Whatever it is you're planning. I am out of the practical joke business."
"You're going to let them win?!!" Tony couldn't believe it.
"Yes," he said simply. He picked up Higgins' uniform and headed for the laundry.
Tony stood there and stewed for a few minutes then turned and left.
* * *
Later that morning Captain Bridger walked onto the bridge. After the usual rituals, he walked over to Ortiz. "Well, Mr. Ortiz, I'm glad to see that rumors of your death were greatly exaggerated."
"Thank you, sir."
"And, I trust we have gotten all the bugs out of all the systems."
"It certainly appears so, sir," Ortiz reported. He was pretty sure that the Captain was teasing him but he wasn't taking any chances and making a flippant remark.
"Good. Then maybe things can return to normal around here." He glanced meaningfully at Tony and Lucas who both appeared very busy at their assigned stations.
"I have a call coming in for the Captain," O'Neill said hesitantly.
"Put it up on the screen, Lt."
"Ah, sir, it's for a Captain Piccolo."
"What?!" Tony gasped.
"Do you know any thing about this, Mister Piccolo?" the Captain asked through clenched teeth.
"No sir. I swear!" Tony swore.
"Who is calling, Lt O'Neill?" Bridger asked
O'Neill swallowed hard and closed his eyes in preparation for the explosion he expected after he made his report. "Sir, it's Sports Today Magazine. They want to confirm the dates for shooting their annual swimsuit issue here on seaQuest."
"Really?!" Ortiz brightened. Lonnie swatted his upper arm. "What?" he asked her stupidly but she didn't bother to answer.
All eyes turned back to the Captain. "Tell them Captain Piccolo will get back to them at his earliest convenience," Bridger said evenly as he walked up to a very nervous Tony.
"It's the game," Lucas thought outloud.
"Maybe you'd care to enlighten us, Mister Wolenczak," Bridger turned to him.
"A computer game, Captain. Tony and I were playing it in our quarters."
"You were playing a game on seaQuest's systems?"
"No sir. On my own system. I don't see how it could have....Tony you were playing last, are you sure you shut it down correctly?"
"I done everything just the way you showed me," Tony assured him.
"Suppose you tell me a little about this game," Bridger prompted trying to control his anger.
"Well sir, in the game Tony is the Captain of seaQuest," Lucas began nervously.
"Maybe I'd better sit down for this," Bridger suggested taking the command chair. Quiet chuckles broke out among some of the bridge crew.
"How does Piccolo get any work out of his crew with a swimsuit shoot going on?" Brody laughed.
"That's no problem," Tony snapped, "I have an all female crew."
"I DON'T believe it!" Ortiz was astounded.
"Why not? It's no more ludicrous than an all male crew and the Navy had them for years." Lonnie smacked his upper arm even harder.
"Ow. No, that's not what I mean. Sir, I'm getting some really strange readings from Loner. I can't seem to correct."
"What are the readings telling you?"
"Something's out there. Something big."
"Could you be a little more specific?" Bridger was losing his patience.
"Not really. I'm bringing Mother around for another view but if I had to guess I'd say it was some kind of -- ah, it looks like a sea serpent." Ortiz finished tentatively expecting to be laughed at.
"Cecil!!" Tony yelped.
"What?" Ford demanded.
"Um, I named him after a cartoon character from the sixties."
"You named him?!"
"Well, if Lucas can have a dolphin. I can have a sea serpent," Tony defended.
"Oh NO!" Ortiz sounded like he was going to cry.
"What is it, Mister Ortiz?" Bridger asked with concern.
"It ... it ate Loner. He's gone."
"How big is this thing?" Brody asked.
"Mister Ortiz let's have a WSKRS view up on the screen."
Ortiz was busy at his station but since he wasn't obeying the Captain's order, Lonnie reached over his shoulder and keyed up the WSKRS view.
"Thank you, Ensign." Bridger let them know he knew who had obeyed his order. From the WSKRS view they could see that Ortiz was busy maneuvering Mother away from the sea serpent. It was giving chase.
"It's big," Brody commented.
"What is it?" Lonnie wondered.
"Some kind of Biologic." Ford shook his head in disbelief.
Sweat broke out on Ortiz' brow as he worked the WSKRS to outdistance its pursuer. "It's no good, sir. It's too fast."
On the screen they saw the creature close in on Mother. A mouthful of jagged teeth were the last thing they saw before the screen went blank.
"Damn!" Ortiz slammed his fist into the console. "Sir, permission to bring Junior in before it sees him."
"Permission denied. That would just lead it to us. Shut the WSKRS down maybe Cecil won't notice it. Or us."
"Aye sir." Ortiz sounded disappointed.
"Keying up auxiliary sensors, sir." Lonnie guessed at his next command.
"Thank you, Henderson. Can WE outrace it, Tony?"
"Oh, I don't think it will bother us. It's just hungry."
"Why don't we send Tony out to talk to it," Ortiz suggested bitterly.
"It might eat him." Lonnie was shocked.
"So?" Ortiz muttered leaning his head on his hand.
Lonnie couldn't figure why Ortiz was so disconsolate. She tentatively reached out and patted his arm supportively.
"Captain!" Lucas suddenly realized an undersea battle could soon take place. "Where's Darwin?"
"I let him out to eat this morning," O'Neill said.
"Is he back?"
"I don't know," O'Neill admitted miserably.
Lucas got up and ran to the moonpool. He picked up the vocorder and called Darwin. Darwin did not respond. "He's still out." Now it was Lucas' turn to have his voice shake.
"How can this be happening? Cecil's just a computer program I made up for a game," Tony muttered to himself.
Wendy came onto the bridge. She had been drawn by the emotional turmoil that was going on there. She walked up to the Captain. "What's happening here? There's an emotional barrage on this bridge I could feel all the way down in Medbay."
"Captain, Darwin is out there." Lucas sounded desperate.
"Darwin will be fine. He's a pretty smart cookie, you know."
"Don't refer to him as food!" Lucas yelled.
Bridger was startled by his outburst. Wendy put her hand on Bridger's arm. "He's overtired."
"I know. I'll take care of him. You go check on Ortiz."
Lonnie still had her arm on Ortiz' supportively. "You've got spare WSKRS in the cargo bay. You'll just activate those. I'll help you. So will Tim," she said encouragingly.
"I know," he sighed, "Guess I'm just tired. Being dead takes a lot out of a guy," he joked.
"You're blood sugar level is probably way down," Wendy put in. "You skipped breakfast, didn't you?"
"It took a lot longer than I thought to wash all that goop off. Then I was running late."
"Go and eat."
"I can't do that! We have a situation here."
"Captain," Wendy called over her shoulder. "I'm relieving Mister Ortiz for one hour. I suspect he is suffering from low blood sugar levels. Go and eat, Miguel."
"Wendy! I don't think...."
"Very well, come down to Medbay and we'll start a battery of tests to try and confirm my diagnosis."
"I'll go eat," Ortiz admitted defeat.
Wendy walked back to the Captain.
Ortiz slipped his headset off all the while muttering under his breath.
"I'll cover for you," Lonnie told him.
"She sounds just like my mother," Ortiz complained.
"Miguel, it's your job to worry about the WSKRS. It's Wendy's job to worry about us."
"Hey, I'm goin'. I know when I'm licked." He got up and walked toward the back of the bridge. Suddenly the whole boat lurched forward violently knocking Ortiz to his knees and every one else that was not strapped in to the deck.
Cmdr. Ford caught Wendy and kept her on her feet. As soon as the boat stopped lurching she began to assess the injured.
Ortiz got up and ran back to his station.
"I need a WSKRS view," Bridger stated.
"I'm on it, sir." Ortiz slapped his headset back on and keyed Junior to life much faster than Lonnie could have.
"Report, Mister Ortiz."
"Ah, There's something above us. A ship, but not one with which I'm familiar," he admitted. "Wait. There's something wet. It's small. I can't tell what.It's falling towards us."
"Evasive action," Bridger commanded. "It might be a ......" He was interrupted by an explosion 20 meters off the bow, "...depth charge." he finished needlessly.
"Who uses those any more?" Brody wanted to know.
"Sir," O'Neill interrupted, "We're being hailed." He was in deep concentration.
"What do they say, Lt?" Bridger fought for patience.
"It's hard to say, sir. It's some kind of pidgin German. Ah, Sir, they want us to stand down and surrender."
"Who does, Lt?" Bridger's aggravation was showing.
"The Bismark II under the command of Captain Wolenczak?" O'Neill sounded unsure of his translation.
All eyes fell on Lucas.
"You care to fill us in?" Bridger was at the end of his rope.
"Um, well the Bismarck II is a ship I designed based on the old W.W.II ship but, of course, it is vastly improved. It has weapons systems that are the most advanced. Some of them are just theories but in the game they actually work. Sir, the Bismarck II is specifically designed to defeat the seaQuest. I know everything about saeQuest's systems I gave this knowledge to the Bismarck II. We can't beat her."
"That sounds like treason to me," Brody remarked.
"It was just a game. Tony won the toss. He got to be captain of the seaQuest. I just HAD to beat him," Lucas admitted miserably.
"Maybe the seaQuest under me but not under Captain Bridger," Tony declared.
"Cut the brown nose crap," Bridger told him but never took his eyes off Lucas. "So you think your designs can beat mine?"
"In theory, yes sir. I'm sure of it. The Bismarck II is a completely robot ship. There's no need to worry about casualties or......"
Suddenly the seaQuest ground to a halt. The lights went out. Only the purple emergency lighting showed the somewhat nervous faces of the crew.
"....life support," Lucas admitted miserably.
"Sir! I'm reading life support failing throughout the boat. I'm switching to emergency O two but climate control is gone," O'Neill reported. "Also the auxiliary generators are not responding."
"I suppose Captain Wolenczak knows all our access codes."
"He knows everything I know," Lucas admitted.
"Switch everything to manual. Get as much as possible off the computer. Crash the systems if you have to. If we can't use 'um don't let him use them either."
"Sir, if he's got the computer he's got the boat," Lucas argued.
"In a pig's eye, Lucas. My boat was designed to be flown by the seat of the pants if necessary."
"We can't perform all the functions the computer can!"
"You put your faith in computers, Captain Wolenczak. My faith is still in people."
"Another depth charge, Captain," Ortiz reported.
"Evasive action."
"Sir, the Helm is NOT responding to manual control," Lonnie reported.
"First thing he would have done was override all manual control," Lucas stated.
"We're dead in the water." Lonnie sounded desperate.
"Prepare for impact," Bridger's steady voice had a calming effect. "Count it down, Mister Ortiz."
"Impact in 100 ft. 90, 80, 70, 60, 50, 40, 30, 20, 10, 5."
The boat shook with the explosion and the emergency lighting failed for several minutes. They were weaker when they finally did cut back in. This time Ford had been knocked to the deck. He sat up shaking his head groggily. There was a cut on his left temple.
Bridger got up and steered him into the command chair. "I'm alright, Sir," Ford assured him but his voice sounded a little strange.
"You just sit there till Wendy can check you out," Bridger handed him his handkerchief and walked up to O'Neill.
"Damage report."
"Reports are spotty, Sir. I can see signals coming from several parts of the boat but I can't pick them up. It looks like we took the hit in the cargo section. I can't confirm a hull breech but four watertight doors have activated."
"What about casualties? Have we got people trapped in those areas?"
"Unable to confirm but hopefully, at this time of day a lot of them were at lunch in the galley area."
"During a RED ALERT?!" Bridger was incredulous.
"I never actually got the red alert sounded before the lights went off line," O'Neill admitted miserably.
"Alright. Lt Brody, weapons assessment."
"Well sir, I have firing capabilities but interceptors and all defensive weapons are NG."
"You can't have, "Lucas stated.
"Lucas, weapons access codes are changed regularly. You don't have the current ones," Brody explained proudly.
"Actually," Bridger stated, "You've always had dummy codes."
"I need those codes to check the systems," Lucas argued.
"Dummy codes will let you check. But you never had the ability to activate or deactivate any weapons."
"But I'm the computer specialist."
"And I'm the people specialist, remember? No kid, no matter what his IQ, needs control of a weapons system."
"You don't trust me?"
"With good reason, I'd say," Brody put in. "I've got the target locked on. Ready to fire at your command, Sir."
"What do you think, Lucas? Bismarck II thinks we're helpless."
"He doesn't really want to capture the seaQuest. He wants to destroy her," Lucas admitted sheepishly.
"We have no defensive weapons. I'd say go for the kill," Tony advised.
Lucas sat with his arms crossed over his chest.
"Are you sulking?!" Bridger couldn't believe it. "You can't sulk in the middle of a battle!"
"I'm not sulking."
"Do you advise we fire?"
"It would be a waste of time. His interceptors work just fine."
"What do we do then, just sit here?" Brody was frustrated. "Sir, let me take a stringer. He can't have gotten into those systems."
"A stinger would do no good against the Bismarck II. It would be like sending a flea after a tiger. Besides....."
"Fleas hassle tigers all the time," Brody was enthusiastic.
"Besides," Lucas continued. "He's got all bay doors sealed to prevent escape."
"Very thorough," Bridger commented. "What about you, Captain Piccolo. What had you planned to be doing all this time?"
"Actually, Sir, I had sort of planned on spending most of my time comforting bikini clad fashion models," Tony hesitated to admit.
"Unless I miss my guess, your all female crew would have killed you long before Captain Wolenczak got a chance at you," Bridger told him.
"You think so, Sir?" Tony was perplexed.
"Captain," O'Neill did not cloak the fear in his voice, "Unless my readings are screwy we're several hundred pounds heavier than we were 10 minutes ago. We're taking on water!"
"Seal the rest of the water tight doors."
"Aye sir!"
The large clamshell door on the bridge slammed shut.
"Thank God something works," O'Neill muttered.
"Sir," Ford was thinking aloud. "If the hull breech was at the top of the ship we could blow the ballasts while we still can and surface.."
"Sorry, Commander. I don't have control of ballasts anymore," O'Neill reported sadly.
"Besides fighting a surface vessel on its own turf is just plain suicidal," Lucas commented but noting the look on Ford's face he added. "If you ask me. Which you didn't."
"In case anyone hasn't noticed the temperature in here, and I have to assume the rest of the boat, is 10 degrees colder and going down." O'Neill blew on his hands as if to accent his statement.
"What's the oxygen situation?" Bridger asked.
"We've got enough to last another 2 1/2 hours. Three tops, if we conserve," O'Neill grimaced as he reported.
"Doesn't matter," Lucas said flatly. "He'll blow us up way before then."
"What would you do in the game, Tony?" Bridger asked
"Give up."
"He doesn't want your surrender. He wants to destroy you," Lucas leered.
"Not surrender, Brain Boy," Tony yelled back angrily, "Give up the game - like this." In his anger he typed "Game Over" on the keyboard in front of him. GAME OVER came up on all the vid screens. Thirty seconds later the lights came back on and all life support started returning to normal.
"It WAS a game!" Lonnie stood up. She was totally astounded.
"This was some kind of a PRANK?!" Ford's voice cracked with emotion.
"Three!! I've got signals from THREE WSKRS!!" Ortiz stood up and hugged Lonnie joyfully.
She was startled. "Miguel, get a grip."
"Don't you see? They're all there. They're okay!"
"Somebody better feed him. He's completely flipped out," Lonnie complained pretending to be far more miffed than she felt.
Brody looked at his watch. "That's right he's officially missed two meals in a row. We don't want him to end up dead again."
"These systems will take another three hours to come back on line. Meanwhile, I suggest Mr. Ortiz, Lt. O'Neill, Ensign Henderson, Lt. Brody, Commander Ford, Dr. Smith and, of course, Captains Piccolo and Wolenczak join me in my dining room for lunch. Maybe we can find out how this game of yours got into my systems."
Ford assigned relief personnel to their stations and followed the others to the Captain's private dining room.
* * *
"We didn't do it," Tony vowed for the tenth time. "I swear on my mother's grave."
"Tony," Wendy sighed, "Your mother is not dead."
"I never said she was. You don't have to be dead to have a grave. Look, it's a long story. My mother used to date this door to door grave salesman."
"What?!" O'Neill couldn't believe that.
"Door to door grave salesman?!" Lonnie agreed with Tim.
"Grave sales happen to be a big business in Florida."
"We don't have door to door grave salesmen in Wyoming," she assured him.
"Course not," Tony scoffed, "Out there on the wild frontier they probably don't even bury people. Just leave 'um around for the wolves to eat."
"Tony, wolves don't eat people," Lonnie said patiently. "They used to come around the Power Station some times. They never bothered anybody."
"How can anybody that's so scared of roaches not mind wolves?" O'Neill asked.
"I'm not scared of them. I just hate them. There's a difference. Besides everybody hates roaches."
"Not Ortiz. He finds them kinda tasty. Don't ya, Miguel?"
"Shut up, Tony. I'm trying to eat here," Ortiz warned.
"Yeah," Brody agreed, "Don't try to shift the blame off of yourselves."
"But we didn't do it," Tony insisted.
"It was your game," Ford stated.
"Yes, but we never imported it into seaQuest's systems. That would be a monumental task. It would take hours and you'd have to be familiar with and have access to every system on board."
"You mean like you do," Brody argued.
"Let's face it, Lucas. No one but you would have the expertise to pull it off. Why don't you just admit it."
"Because I didn't do it."
The grilling went on for two whole hours. Everyone took a shot at them but they maintained their innocence. No one believed them.
Finally Bridger said it was time to get back to the bridge. Lonnie, O'Neill and Ortiz left first.
"Why won't they just own up to it?" Lonnie complained, "Look at all the damage they caused."
"They didn't actually cause any real damage, Lonnie," Tim reasoned, "It was all simulated."
"What about mental anguish? Miguel felt really bad about losing those WSKRS," she argued.
"Actually, I felt worse about losing the swimsuit shoot," he said jumping out of reach.
"You did not."
"Did so. And I've got the bruises to prove it." He rubbed his arm where she'd hit him.
The others trailed along behind them. Bridger fell into step with a totally dejected Lucas. "This long face is not because they wouldn't believe you, is it?"
"No. I don't really blame them. Who else but me would be able to pull this off?"
"Is that an admission of guilt?"
"No."
"If it makes you feel any better, the UEO High Command has dummy codes to my weapons systems, too."
"You're kidding?!"
"No. I'd trust them with my weapons even less than I would some kid." Bridger poked his arm affectionately.
"Thank you, Sir." Lucas felt better. "Well, I have to go. I'm going to erase that game so nothing like this happens again."
"You're going to destroy the Bismarck II?"
"The world's not ready for another Bismarck," Lucas assured him.
Lucas took the corridor that led to his quarters.
Wendy came up behind Bridger. "I'm really surprised at how well you're taking this," she commented.
"How should I take it? I'm a rational adult."
"But, Nathan, they broke into the ship's systems. Compromised the safety of the crew."
"They said they didn't do it. I have no concrete evidence against them."
"Come on. No one on board except Lucas could pull that off. No one even knew about the game but them."
"Well, look at it as a nice chance to do some drills that were not routine and boring. How often do you run into a genuine sea serpent?"
"Maybe you should stop by Medbay for a check up," Wendy was still suspicious.
"Wendy," he said kindly. "I'm fine. Now if you'll excuse me. I'm back to being the only Captain of the seaQuest so I think I'll go back to the bridge."
"I still don't believe how calmly you're taking this," she stated as he walked around the corner.
Why shouldn't he be calm? This was undoubtably the end of the prank war. Lucas, however, was not the only video game wizard on this boat. Having those two safely in the brig last night gave him complete access to Lucas' system. As every prankster knows, the best prank is one that someone else gets blamed for. They didn't used to call Nathan Bridger the Prankmaster for nothing. He chuckled to himself. "And I still got it!"