"No!" Johnny yelled. "You just don't get it, do you?" he asked, taking another sip.
Captain Stanley flinched as the beer bottle crashed against the far wall, smashing to pieces.
"It's all my fault," Johnny whispered, sliding down the wall, to sit on the floor.
Stanley was beginning to have his doubts about ever reaching the distraught paramedic. He almost wished Gage would just pass out but maybe it was better that he get it out of his system. Johnny fumbled with the twist off cap of his seventh straight beer in two hours. Much of that time Hank had been trying to reason with him. "Don't you think you've had enough, Pal?"
"No I don't! I'm gonna drown myself in it. I'm real good at drowning people, ya know!"
"Johnny, you didn't drown that little girl," Marco said firmly. He looked up at the cap and Chet helplessly. They had each told him that but he wouldn't listen.
"He's right, Johnny. She was submerged in that car almost an hour before we ever got on the scene," the cap tried again. It tore his heart out watching Johnny beat himself up like this.
"But I had her," Johnny argued with no one in particular. "I finally got her out of that damn carseat and out of that damn car. I had her and then...then I couldn't even hold onto her....She..she slipped out of my hands. I couldn't hold ...onto her," he sobbed.
"Course ya couldn't. You'd been in that cold water for thirty, forty minutes," Chet jumped in. "You were freezing yourself. The cap called you out twice."
"I thought...I was sure I could get her...."
They knew that it was what happened next that was really bothering him. They had been called out on a rescue in the middle of the night during their last shift. No one held out much hope for the chances of the little girl who had been trapped in the car that had missed a curve and ended up in the river. It had taken her father over thirty minutes to even hike to a phone and call for help. When they got onto the scene Roy set to work treating the frantic mother and another child who had been injured in the crash. Johnny dove into try and save the baby. He had worked frantically but it had taken time. Too much time. They all knew it. They suspected even Johnny knew it but he was just too bullheaded to give up. He was so determined to save the child that he lost all ability to think rationally. The cap had called him in on the bull horn twice. Once in a kind way and then as a command. He had told him the rescue was over but Johnny had ignored him.
When the current ripped the child from his arms he had tried to swim after her. That was when Roy also disobeyed the captain and dove into the swollen river. He reached Johnny and tried to pull him back. The two had struggled in the water and Roy was also caught by the current and smashed into the concrete abutment of the bridge support. Roy was now in a coma at Rampart General. The doctors had said it was too soon to give any prognosis. Johnny had not been able to stay there even though he had been admitted for hypothermia. He had left the hospital on his own. He couldn't bring himself to face Joanne. He couldn't even make himself admit any of the pain and guilt he felt about Roy. He channeled all his sorrow into the lost child. It was easier to accept the responsibility of killing a perfect stranger than of turning your best friend into a vegetable.
He had somehow ended up at the Second Alarm. He was in a large store room that was better known as the Scream Room. It was a place set aside for guys to work through things. They could yell, they could swear, they could cry, they could get as drunk as they wanted, the only thing they couldn't do was be alone. Smokey had called Hank Stanley the minute Johnny walked in the door. He had also called Chet and Marco. When a buddy needed you, you came.
Johnny Gage could be bullheaded when he was sober, but it was a drop in the bucket compared to the way he was with several beers under his belt. Chet wondered if he should make a few firewater jokes so that Johnny could hit him. He needed to hit something. To do something to let the pain out. He was killing himself this way.
They were exhausting all their ideas. Nothing was reaching him. They were at their wits' end. Suddenly the door to the Scream Room opened. No one came in when the room was in use unless they were directly involved in the situation. The three sober members of the crew were startled to see Craig Brice standing there. He purposely walked up to Johnny.
"Gage," he said simply. "The Sheriff's Dive team found the body of your victim several hours ago."
"Shut up, Brice!" Captain Stanley screamed. "He doesn't need to hear this."
"I disagree, Captain. I think he does. Due to the extenuating circumstances of the case, the coroner's office did an immediate autopsy on the child."
"She drowned, right?" Johnny snarled sarcastically.
Brice did not react to his attitude. "Yes, Gage, she did. But the thing to note here was the time of death. He fixes the time of death at approximately 1:15 AM. According to LA's records 51's was dispatched to the scene at 1:36. Captain Stanley reported arriving on site at 1:51. There was nothing that you could have done to help that child. Nothing," Brice said matter-of-factly.
"She....she had already drowned?" Johnny asked with disbelief.
"That's what the records show. I assume them to be correct," Brice answered.
"See, Johnny," Marco smiled, "Like we've been telling you all night, it's not your fault."
"WHAT ABOUT ROY?" he suddenly screamed, facing the thing he'd been hiding from the most. "It WAS my fault what happened to him!"
"Gage, you had hypothermia. You were exhitibting classic signs of irrationality and confusion. DeSoto, on the other hand, seemed to be in perfect health when he disobeyed orders and dove in after you."
"YOU SHUT UP ABOUT ROY!!!" Johnny lunged at Brice but Johnny was so drunk that Brice was able to easily avoid him. Marco and Chet held Johnny back but did not rule out one of them decking the annoying paramedic.
"Face it, Gage, the only reason that you where able to hold your own against the current, even in your weakened state and he was not is that he was woefully out of shape. I told him so myself."
Johnny came within seconds of exploding but something Brice had said stopped him. "You told him? He's in a coma."
"Not any longer. He awakened approximately an hour ago. He seems to check out fine. His only complaint was that he was hungry."
"He was hungry?" Johnny repeated, ignoring the tears that were rolling down his cheeks and the silly grin he wore.
"That's what he said. Speaking of hunger. I'd better go. I am on duty and I left Bellingham out there with an all-you-can-eat buffet." Brice took a quick look at the bottles on the shelves of the storage room. He shook his head in disgust. "Someone really should organize this place."
He looked at the three firemen from Station 51. They were all laughing like lunatics and he strongly suspected only Gage was drunk. Captain Stanley caught him before he could go out the door.
"I don't get it, Brice. You didn't tell him anything about that little girl that we hadn't already tried. How were you able to get through to him?"
"Simple, Captain. You were all operating out of friendship. He knew you were merely telling him what he wanted to hear. I, on the other hand, was giving him information based on cold, hard facts. I was doing nothing to in any way shield him or spare his feelings. He had to believe me."
Stanley shook his head in disbelief. "And Roy, he's really out of the coma?"
"Captain, what possible motive would I have to lie about such a thing? I was on a run at Rampart and Nurse McCall was filling my requisitions request when word came that DeSoto had come around. At her request, I joined her in ICU and we found this to, indeed, be the case. I spoke to him briefly and then Mrs DeSoto asked me to find Gage and tell him. Bellingham indicated that he might be here. I am merely fulfilling the request of the wife of a fireman. That is all."
"You know, Brice, I think that underneath that bristly exterior there lurks a human being, after all."
"Captain, please! I'll thank you not to circulate a rumor like that. After all, I have a reputation to uphold!" Brice said sharply and turned on his heel and left.
Stanley just shook his head. Somehow what Brice had said rang true. Maybe the reason that they had been unable to get through to Johnny was because they were too close, too personally involved. Although he would have been about the last person that would come to mind for a situation like this, it appeared that Brice had been the right man for the job this time.
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