an Emergency-CHiPs crossover answer to Challenge 1
Joe Getraer flipped to the last page of his clipboard of notes at the morning briefing. It was just after eight on a Friday morning, and out of the corner of his eye, he could see his officers fidgeting. He concealed an inner smile, as he realized that the last announcement would be the crowning glory to one of the strangest weeks he could remember. He didn't really want to ruin everyone's day, but...
"And the final point -- it's time for the second annual gathering of the ‘Fraternal Order of the Elephant' again." Getraer raise his hands for silence amid the groans and murmurs of ‘Oh, no, not again!'
"Settle down, people. Now the organizers of the event this year know that they are not permitted to stage an impromptu parade like last year. Unfortunately, they have managed to get a permit for an elephant at their hotel. Their convention is taking place at the Maxwell Arms hotel on Highway 5, which puts it right in our jurisdiction -- specifically, on your beat, Jed."
Jed groaned, as the others laughed. "Why me?" he asked plaintively.
"Okay, let's get to work," said Getraer.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Roy, I tell you, this is going to be a strange day," said Johnny as he finished picking up the spaghetti that had scattered all over the kitchen floor. Roy was looking at the newspaper, then he walked over to Johnny, saying, "Look at this -- the day just got a whole lot worse, Junior."
Johnny snatched the newspaper from Roy and read the small article that Roy had indicated. "Fraternal Order of the Elephant? What the hell is that?" he asked.
"That's right," Roy said, "You were off with an injury last year. Well, among other things, they had a parade that kind of got out of control -- they caused a whole series of car accidents on the freeway. Nobody was seriously injured, but a whole lot of cars were wrecked. It's really weird to see an elephant in the passing lane of a freeway," he said, remembering the previous year's fiasco. He looked at his partner. "Johnny, you're not really going to use that spaghetti, are you?" he asked as Johnny dusted off the spilled spaghetti.
"Why not? There's no dirt on it now, and it's going to be boiled anyway -- what's the problem?"
Roy muttered, "I think I'll have rice for lunch instead."
"Hey, Gage!" shouted Chet as the engine crew got back from the trash fire they had been fighting. "Is that spaghetti ready yet?"
Johnny flashed Roy a wicked grin as he tossed the spaghetti into the pot of boiling water. "Just putting it on now," he replied. Under his breath he whispered to Roy, "I think I'll have the rice, too. Let Chet have all the fun -- there's going to be a very special ingredient in his portion of spaghetti sauce today..."
Roy looked at him and opened his mouth to speak, when the klaxon went off.
"Station 51, Station 18. Multiple vehicle accident, Highway 5 near Washington Boulevard. Time out 1245."
"Station 51, KMG365," responded Hank Stanley.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jed continued to curse under his breath as he redirected traffic away from the accident scene. "Stupid $#%^ing Fraternal Order of the ELEPHANT! F.O.E. -- foe is right! Stupid idiots! What the hell were they thinking? Twenty foot tall papier-mâché elephant on a flatbed with no restraining wires... drive it on a freeway at sixty miles an hour...Keep it moving, folks!" he shouted at the motorists who were slowing down to gawk at the accident. Jed glanced ahead to the tangled vehicles. According to Bear, who was directing traffic on the other side of the pile-up, nobody was seriously injured, although the driver of the flatbed and one of the passengers in the station wagon were still trapped in the vehicles. In the distance, he could see the fire department vehicles arriving, from both directions of the freeway. Squad 18 and Engine 18 pulled over near him. Captain Tacy leaned out and asked Jed, "What have we got here?"
Jed replied, "Some idiot had a twenty-foot tall papier-mâché elephant on a flatbed without securing it properly. The damn thing fell off and caused this pile-up. I don't think anyone's badly hurt, but there's a person trapped in a station wagon on the other side of the highway, and the driver of the flatbed over here is trapped. He says he's okay, but his feet are pinned under the dash at the ankles. Jon Baker is with him now."
"Thanks, Jed," said Captain Tacy. Tinker guided the engine to the side of the semi, analyzing the best way to proceed. "Beat you this time, Mikey," said Tinker softly as she was Engine 51 approaching from the other direction.
The cab of the flatbed was lying on the driver's side door. Cassie and Pidge went over to check out the driver. "Sir, are you hurt anywhere?" asked Pidge as she poked her head into the cab of the rig. The driver looked up at her. He was wearing a stylized beanie, with enormous elephant ‘ears' on the side of the hat, and an elephant trunk raised as if to trumpet on the front.
"Well, hello, honey! Want to give me mouth-to-mouth?" he slurred drunkenly. Pidge rolled her eyes and glared at Cassie, who was trying very hard not to laugh. "Maybe later," said Pidge. She repeated, "Are you hurt anywhere?" He shook his head, causing the elephant's trunk to bounce crazily.
"Nope. Not hurt, but my leg's trapped under the dashboard -- it kinda got crunched in when the cab flipped," he replied happily.
Pidge climbed into the cab and took a quick look. Sure enough, the driver's side of the cab had been crushed in when the rig flipped, and the dashboard had crumpled over the driver's legs like an accordion. She quickly assessed the pulses in his feet, and he closed his eyes and moaned, "Ohhh, Baby! Baby!"
Pidge replied, "Sir, just don't move -- we'll be right back," as she started to climb back out of the cab.
"Zat's okay, honey, I'm just enjoying the scenery," the driver replied with a hefty belch. Pidge kicked aside a couple of empty beer cans, and accidentally tipped over a half-full can as she climbed out of the cab.
Pidge stepped over to Cassie and Jon and said, "You know, he really does look okay -- he's certainly feeling no pain. He's got good strong pulses in his feet and he doesn't appear to be bleeding anywhere..." She broke off as Cassie half closed her eyes and murmured, "Ohhhhh Baaaabeeeee." Pidge ignored her and turned to Jon. "Jon, he's had at least two beers, judging by the junk I tripped over in the cap. Once we get him out of there, assuming he's not seriously injured, you might want to haul him off to the tank. He's drunk as a skunk," she finished off in disgust.
"Or drunk as an elephant," said Cassie with a twinkle in her eye as Pidge went over to talk to Captain Tacy.
"Cap," said Pidge, "We're going to need to pull that steering wheel and dashboard off him. There's some spilled beer in the cab, and the driver is really drunk and feeling no pain. He looks fine, no apparent trauma or injuries anywhere."
Captain Tacy said, "Okay. Leila, get the porta-power and chains. Barb, Tinker, get that windshield popped."
Meanwhile, Station 51 had managed to extricate their victim from the station wagon. Apart from some minor lacerations and a few bruises, he was okay. Roy shook his head in disbelief after the driver had signed the refusal of treatment form. "You know, Johnny, as soon as I heard the word ‘elephant', I was preparing for the worst. I just don't believe this."
"Neither do I, pal. LA, Station 51 available," reported Captain Stanley.
"Roy, you're getting paranoid," said Johnny. He couldn't resist adding to Bear, "Have fun with the traffic -- we're outta here," he said smugly.
Bear stuck his tongue out at Johnny. "Don't worry, Johnny, I'm sure there'll be more to come -- and I get off at six. You have the ‘Elephants' until tomorrow morning. Sleep well," he added maliciously, as he waited for the tow trucks to arrive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
All the way back to Station 18, Cassie kept chanting, "Oh, Baby" with various inflections, drawing out each syllable to its maximum value. Their patient had also refused treatment once he had been freed from the wreckage, and had been promptly arrested by the CHP. Pidge had finally had enough. "Kelly, shut up!" she said, slamming the door to the squad. As she entered the kitchen, hopefully to return to her interrupted lunch, she was greeted with a chorus of "OHH BAYBEE!" from the engine crew.
"I give up!" she growled, raising her hands in mock surrender. "I can't wait for this shift to end," she muttered.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Against his better judgment, Jed decided to cruise by the Maxwell Arms hotel one more time before the end of shift. They'd already had three calls to the area today, but his instincts told him that there would be more. As he approached the area, he started to curse again. He grabbed the microphone in his car and called dispatch. He identified himself and sighed as he added, "We have a problem...."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Station 51, Station 18, multiple vehicle accident with injuries, Highway 5, one half mile south of the Maxwell Arms hotel. CHP is on scene, time out 1743."
"Station 51, KMG 365," answered Hank. He handed the address slip to Roy, who said, "I don't really need the address, Cap -- after three runs to that area today, I can drive it in my sleep."
Hank smiled and said, "I hear ya, pal," as he headed to the engine.
En route, Johnny said to Roy, "Man, this organization of the elephants thing is really stupid. I wonder what it is this time? Was it this bad last year?"
"You have no idea," replied Roy, shaking his head.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When they arrived, they were momentarily stunned by the scope of the accident in front of them. Five CHP cars were parked on the edges of the accident site, and three of the officers were directing traffic around the mangled cars. Two motorcycle officers and the two other officers from the cars were tending to six victims. Two cars at one end of the scene were on fire, where a rapidly deflating elephant-shaped hot air balloon had apparently crashed, and there was one very agitated elephant thundering through the area. Ponch and Jon were doing their best to try to herd the elephant away from the victims. Johnny and Roy grabbed their equipment and headed to the area where the victims were stretched out.
"Hey, Joe, long time no see -- must be nearly an hour. What have we got here?" asked Johnny, while Hank directed the engine crew to the fires in the cars. "One for me, Tinker," said Mike to himself as Engine 18 pulled up to assist with the fires.
"Well, fellahs -- and ladies," he added as Cassie and Pidge arrived at the triage area. Joe referred to his notes and pointed to the victims in turn, "We have one person with a broken arm, one with a broken leg, three with some lacerations and minor burns, and one elephant trainer suffering from chest pains."
"Right," said Roy, "We'll start with him, then. Why don't you two check out the others -- let us know if we need another squad."
"You've got it, Roy," answered Pidge as she and Cassie headed to the other victims. "Cassie, I'll check out the guy with the broken leg."
Cassie answered, "Okay. I'll check out the folks with the burns, then we can get Rampart on the horn."
Roy and Johnny followed Joe over to their victim. "Bonnie can fill you in on the details, fellahs. I'm going to see what we can do about that elephant," said Joe as he headed to the panicked animal.
"Thanks, Joe," said Johnny. Bonnie handed Roy a piece of paper with their patient's information. "Mr. Gilbert, this is Roy DeSoto and Johnny Gage," she introduced. "They're going to help you out here. See you later." She got up and, on her way over to help Cassie and Pidge, she told Johnny, "He's a bit bewildered and out of it."
Johnny answered, "He's not the only one. What the heck happened here?"
Bonnie paused, trying to sort out the details in her mind. "As near as we can figure out, the balloon was being launched, but one of the helium tanks wasn't properly secured -- the balloon tipped over, the tank fell out and smashed into the car over there," she pointed to the car whose fire had now been successfully extinguished by Engine 51. "I guess that kind of startled the driver of the elephant's cage over here, and he slewed into that other car," and she pointed to the other car on fire that Engine 18 was just bringing under control. "The people in the balloon jumped out when the balloon was still at about fifteen feet up, and one of them broke an arm and the other broke a leg. Those three with the burns were trying to put out the fire at the cars, but were a bit too close when the engine on the first car blew, so that's how they got the burns. Then Mr. Gilbert was going nuts about getting his ‘baby' free from the back of the trailer here, and that turned out to be the elephant. The elephant's a bit upset," she added, smiling at the understatement. She glanced over and her smiled widened as she watched the futile efforts of Jon, Ponch and now Joe to try to calm down the elephant.
"Weird, truly, weird," said Johnny as he joined Roy with their patient. Roy turned from the biophone. "Johnny, can you get the heart monitor? Rampart wants a strip. It looks like an angina attack, but you can never be too sure."
"Okay, Roy, be right back."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dr. Kelly Brackett stood up and leaned on his desk. He put all his weight on his hands. He knew that was the only thing that would keep them from shaking with rage. Perhaps it would even keep him from strangling the paramedic.
"All right!" he blasted, staring the young man square in the eye. "Let's have it. I know you know what an expensive piece of equipment this is." He nodded at the mangled remains of the bio-phone on his desk. "I want to know what happened to it and I want the truth! ‘You won't believe it' just isn't going to cut it with me!"
Johnny swallowed hard. He knew there was no getting out of this one. He took a deep breath. "An elephant sat on it ," he admitted in a barely audible tone. He prepared for the explosion he was bound to be at ground zero for.
"Would you care to explain that?" Brackett commented acidly. This had better be a good one, he thought to himself.
"Well," Johnny began, and launched into a very fast rehash of the latest incident at the Maxwell Arms hotel. He spoke so quickly that there wasn't time for Kel to interrupt, even if he had wanted to. When he finally paused for breath, Kel jumped in.
"Okay, Johnny, you've gotten to the part where you loaded him into the ambulance. What happened to the biophone?"
Johnny looked at the carpet, at the wall, at anywhere besides Brackett's accusing look. "Well, Cassie, for some reason that I'll never figure out, was shouting ‘Oh Baby' at Pidge, and..."
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" shouted Brackett.
Johnny started to talk rapidly again, "Well, Mr. Gilbert sat right up when he heard that, and he started calling, ‘Baby, baby' to the elephant. That really calmed the elephant down a lot, and she started to come over to see Mr. Gilbert. Well, he knew he was going to the hospital, so he called his assistant, and his assistant sort of took over and told Baby to sit down and behave -- I really thought Roy had already picked up the biophone, but I guess he hadn't and when I went to look, all there was left was...." he broke off, shrugging his shoulders.
Brackett just looked at him in amazement. "I wondered why we had to go to a relay from the ambulance," he answered, suddenly calm. He scribbled a note on his stationery and handed it to Johnny. "Take this to Dixie, and get another biophone. Boy, it's going to be fun writing this one up...Get going, and keep away from elephants, and any other large creatures."
Johnny heaved a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Doc. See you later."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Johnny caught up with Cassie as they were ready to go back to their respective stations. "What the hell is it with this ‘Oh Baby' thing today, anyway?"
Pidge shot her a warning glance and threatened, "Kelly -- do you want to walk back to the station?"
Cassie thought it over. "Roy would probably give me a lift back....BAAAAYYYYBBEEEE."
Pidge said, "I'm leaving now; get your butt in here. They can just wonder."
Cassie shrugged and said, "Hey, she's the senior partner. What can I do? A free round at the Second Alarm tomorrow night might loosen my tongue...."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Author's notes: 1) thanks to Jane for letting me borrow Station 18 A shift for this one. 2) Have you ever seen an elephant up close -- really close? They're HUGE! They smell a lot better than camels, though.
