By Wanita Nicol
"Let's face it, Roy, we're completely and totally lost," Johnny sighed with disgust.
"You're the one with the map!" Roy snarled at him.
"You're the one that can't tell a left turn from a right turn." Johnny decided not to even try and hide his own anger any longer.
"I can so. You didn't say left and right. You said east and west," Roy argued.
"West is where the ocean is. East is the opposite direction. How hard is that?"
"I can't see the ocean at the moment," Roy reminded him.
"Neither can I but I still know where it is. It's a great big body of water. How can you lose it?"
Before Roy could retaliate, he had another problem. The squad was slowing down of its own accord. He looked helplessly at the gas gauge. The needle was well below empty. Squad 51 had been assigned a call that was not in their usual territory. They were well into another squad's zone when the call was canceled. He had been aware that they were low on fuel but he had assumed that they would come upon a gas station. They hadn't. In fact, they'd seen nothing but scrub brush for several miles now.
"Don't tell me," Johnny groaned as the squad came to a halt.
"All right, I won't tell you," Roy said simply.
"I don't be-lieve this," Johnny growled as he picked up the mic to report their situation to dispatch. "LA, this is squad 51. Do you read?"
But there was no answer. There was no sound at all on the radio. Johnny tried twice more. "What d'ya wanna bet this is a dead zone," he groaned.
"Sounds that way," Roy agreed.
"So now what do we do? You're the senior partner," Johnny reminded him and added under his breath, "who ran out of gas."
"I heard that. You're the one who can't read a map," Roy fired back.
Both men fell silent, peering out into the pea soup fog that shrouded the
landscape. Roy wound down his window and stuck his head out. Apart from the
low mooing of a distant cow, he couldn't make much else out.
"Well, I guess our only option is to get out and try and find somebody to
give us a hand. Grab the biophone and bring the HT too. We might be lucky
and get something on one or the other."
"Don't you ever get tired of being such a dictator, Roy?" Johnny snapped.
"Get this, do that. Man!"
"If I didn't tell ya what to do, you'd be lost. I mean, this little adventure
proves my point."
The two paramedics got out of the squad, slamming the doors. Johnny stalked
off to get the phone as Roy tried his best to keep his cool. Sometimes Johnny
really got on his nerves. Usually it was over something simple and in the
end they would end up having a good chuckle over it. But Roy could not see
the funny side of this. He could just imagine what the Captain would have
to say and it certainly would give Chet a year's worth of ammunition.
Johnny came around to Roy and dumped the phone on the ground."Lead on, fearless
leader."
Roy started off down the road muttering under his breath about smartasses.
The fog had not lifted and they were losing perspective of time really fast.
Johnny felt like he had been walking for hours when he stopped and put the case down. He could just make out fencing that would surely, he hoped, lead them to a farmhouse of some sort. "Roy, I'm bushed. Let's cut through the field over here."
Roy stopped and looked at his partner. He did look a little washed out. They
had been going since they got on shift this morning. "Johnny, I think it
would be best if we stuck to the road. This fog is so thick we can't see
a foot in front of us here."
"Aww! C'mon. What harm could it do? I have an excellent sense of direction!
We could be back at the squad in no time!" Johnny gave Roy a hopeful look.
Roy sighed and shrugged. "Excellent sense of direction, my ass. All right,
Junior, lead the way."
Johnny hefted the biophone in one hand and walked towards the barbed wire
fence, with Roy following on his heels. He set the box down and grabbed the
wire, pushing it down as Roy threw his leg over and hopped over the fence.
Johnny handed him the bio-phone and handie talkie and jumped the wire with
ease.
Roy handed Johnny back the equipment and they set off across the fog-shrouded
field, stumbling in places but going at a brisk pace.
"Just watch out for cow pats, Johnny. You step in anything and you will walk
back to the station," Roy warned. He glanced about, trying to make out his
surroundings, but all he could see was fog and more fog. He could hear Johnny
huffing and puffing in front of him, his partner's outline getting fainter.
"Johnny! Wait up!" Roy moved a little faster and grabbed Johnny by the shirt.
"What's your hurry?"
"Nothing. I just don't want to spend all day out here, that's all."
"Well, slow it down, you sound like a freight train with all that heavy
breathing."
"What heavy breathing? I'm fine, see?" Johnny stopped and turned to face
Roy.
Johnny didn't look or sound like he was out of breath. But Roy could still
hear the sound close by. "Well, if it's not you doing all that panting, who
the heck is?"
Johnny cocked his head and concentrated. Suddenly, his eyes widened and he
took a step back. "Roy? Uh......don't look now....."
Roy spun around. Out of the fog came the biggest, ugliest, meanest looking
bull he had ever seen. And the bull looked pissed off. Roy swallowed hard.
"Johnny......" He turned to warn him not to make any sudden moves, only to
see his illustrious partner high tailing it off into the fog.
"Run, Roy!" Johnny shouted over his shoulder as he barreled on.
The bull looked at Roy, its small humourless eyes not blinking. It snorted
again, and pawed at the ground. Roy didn't need any more encouragement and
took off after Johnny, stumbling over the equipment that he had dropped in
his panic.
"Wait for me!" he yelled at the tops of his lungs. He could hear the bull
trotting at a good clip through the pea soup fog behind him. "Johnny! Where
the hell are you?!?"
A dull thud and a lot of cursing answered his question. He ran for all he
was worth until he almost tripped over Johnny, who was laying on the ground
in front of a tree, holding his nose.
"I hud by dose! Dabbed twee!" Johnny complained, rubbing his aching nose.
Roy stood there, panting, looking over his shoulder. He could hear the bull
coming faster now.
"Get up! Up!" He reached down, grabbed Johnny by the shirtfront and hauled
him to his feet. "Up the tree! Now!"
"Up the.....?" Johnny asked, puzzled. Then he heard the bull's hooves beating
against the earth, heading for them.
Without another word, Johnny was up the trunk like a starving monkey going
after the last banana on the tree. Roy almost beat him to the first branch
in his panic. Just as they reached the branch, they felt the tree shake as
the bull head-butted it. They could make out the angry animal in the mist.
It was pacing around the tree, looking up at the two stranded firemen with
murder in its eyes.
"Gimme the HT. I'll call for help," Roy said as he and Johnny balanced
precariously on the small but sturdy limb.
Johnny slapped his hip, expecting to find the HT, but it was gone."Uh, well,
I think I lost it down...." They heard a sharp metallic crack as the bull
stomped around. "....there....." he finished, dejectedly.
Roy shook his head, feeling his dander rise. "Let's cut across the field, Roy. I got a great sense of direction. Don't worry," Roy mimicked, giving Johnny a dirty look. "Your sense of direction is only outdone by your ability for getting us into trouble! And your ability to find the worst possible place to hide is only topped by your unbelievable stupidity at leaving the one thing that could get us help, down there with that animal!" Roy's voice had crept up a few octaves before he had finished.
Johnny winced and pulled away, being careful not to fall off the limb. "What?
You suggested the tree! I'm sorry!" Johnny yelled back. "How was I to know
there would be a bull in this field? I'm not psychic, you know!" Roy bared
his teeth and growled. "Besides, why did you bring the bio-phone with ya?
You know what Brackett's gonna do to us if it gets smashed again! Doesn't
matter much anyhow! We can't contact anybody out here! None of this would
have happened if you had put some gas in the squad!"
"Me? You're the one who dropped the stuff! It's all your fault!" Roy retorted
angrily. "I ought to throw you out of this tree and let our friend down there
stomp some sense into you! You are in big trouble, Gage!" Roy took a deep
lungful of breath and yelled at the top of his voice. "HELP!!"
The only response was an angry snort from the bull below. Johnny peered into
the fog, wishing he had kept his big mouth shut for once. "Roy, nobody's
gonna hear us up here. Face it, we're stuck until either this fog lifts and
someone sees us or the guys wonder why we haven't turned up at the
station."
"You had better hope for option one and hope it happens quickly. Cap won't
notice us missing for a while. He will think we are on a follow up."
Johnny cursed as he moved around, a small branch poking him in the back everytime
he shifted his weight. "Stupid tree!"
"Stupid partner, is more the case," Roy muttered under his breath.
2 HOURS LATER:
"Roy?"
"Yeah?"
"You still mad at me?"
"What do you think?" Roy snapped. They fell silent for a while, each wondering
how they were going to get out of their predicament.
"Roy?"
"What?"
"I need to go."
"Go where?"
"No, go as in, ya know, go to the bathroom."
"Why tell me that? I'm not your mother! You'll just have to hang on until
we get out of here."
"Well, excuse me for being human! Geez!" Johnny replied sarcastically.
"Human? I wonder sometimes. Especially when you act dumb as that animal down
there." Two hours of sitting in a tree had not improved Roy's mood at all.
Johnny shifted again. The fog had lifted, and they could see that they were
stuck, smack dab in the middle of a large field. The bull had made itself
comfortable at the base of the tree, glancing up at them now and again.
"Hey, Roy?"
"What now?"
"I was thinking. I really need to go bad. What if I took a......."
"Hold it right there. You are not gonna do what I think you are, are you?
That bull is mad as it is. You want to relieve yourself on it? What do you
use for brains?"
"Boy! You are not gonna let me live this one down, are ya?" Johnny muttered.
"Look, I gotta go and that's that."
He got to his feet slowly and turned away to get on with business. Roy shook
his head and sighed. Johnny was worse than his kids. Worse than 10 kids.
100. As Roy grouched to himself, the sounds of a vehicle approaching
caught his attention. He looked up to see a rickety old truck pull up at
the gate.
"Johnny..." Gage, engrossed in his activity, didn't hear his partner or the
truck. Roy reached over and poked Johnny in the ankle.
"What are you poking.....?" He turned slightly to his partner.
"OH MY STARS! TED!" a woman shrieked.
Roy whipped his head around in time to see an elderly woman sink to the ground,
clutching at her chest. He scrambled down the tree, leaving Johnny to fix
himself up and rushed over to the fallen woman. Her husband was on his knees
next to her, holding her head in his lap and fanning her face.
"Is she all right? " Roy asked as he reached for the lady's wrist to check
her pulse. The old man swatted his hand away.
"You just keep your paws to yourself, Sonny. She's just had a funny turn,
nothin' serious. And no wonder! What in heck's name were ya doin' up in my
tree? You have some explainin' to do, both of ya." The old man gave Gage
a piercing glare. "And don't you think of doin' anything either, you pervert.
I don't know what's gotten into you young'uns these days."
"Look, I'm sorry about all of this. We were looking for a farmhouse or something
so we could get some help. We're out of gas and need to get back to our station."
Roy gave the man a hopeful smile. The woman was coming around much to everyone's
relief.
"Ted, what am I doing on the ground?" Her eyes found Gage's. "Oh dear," she
murmured blushing furiously.
"Sorry about before, Ma'am." Johnny looked abashed. The old man helped his
wife up and walked her over to their truck. The two paramedics followed.
"Whereabouts are ya parked? I guess I can lend you enough to get back to
town. But be sure that I will be billing the County for this," he informed
Roy and Johnny. "You know, if you had walked just a mile down the road you
would have come across the homestead instead of cutting through here and
upsetting my prize bull."
"Sir, it would be a great help. I don't think we will be making the same
mistake again, right Johnny?" Roy shot him a look.
"You got that right."
Johnny jogged over to the fence and picked up the phone while Roy scrounged
around for what was left of the handie talkie. He joined Roy in the back
of the truck and they were off. After dropping off Ted's wife and grabbing
a can of gas, the farmer dropped them off at the squad. Roy apologised again
to Ted for the debacle in the field as he filled the gas tank. Ted shrugged
it off and waved them goodbye. Ten minutes later they were back in radio
contact with dispatch. Their absence hadn't gone unnoticed and Johnny was
still fielding enquiries as they pulled into the station.
"Where in the hell have you two been?" Captain Stanley yelled as he came
out of his office. "You got everybody in the County looking for you!
Goddamnit!"
"Now Cap, we have a good explanation for all of this. Don't go blowing a
gasket," Johnny began. Stanley scowled at the younger paramedic.
"Don't tell me to calm down. My office - now!" Roy and Johnny followed him
in and grabbed a seat each. The three men exchanged glances.
"Well?" Roy sighed. Where to begin?
"It all started when Roy took a wrong turn," Johnny began.
Roy shot him a look. "Me? A wrong turn? You were the one who was supposed
to be reading the map right!"
"Oh yeah, right. And who forgot to put gas in the damned squad?" Johnny retorted.
Stanley shook his head and got to his feet.
"When you two are through with your debate, you know where to find me." He
left his office in search of a cup of coffee, raised voices behind him as
his two paramedics went at each other.
"......and I'm not gonna start in on your little peep show in the damned
tree! How the hell am I supposed to put THAT in a report? You know, Gage,
sometimes I wonder about you........"
"Well I had to go. How was I supposed to know those people would come along? I waited as long as I could. You have no idea how long I suffered in silence. I was hoping we'd come across a gas station so I could get you to stop ---"
"You were hoping we'd come across a gas station. What the heck do you think I was doing?"
They glared at each other for a minute thinking back on their misadventure. Suddenly the corners of Johnny's mouth began to twitch but he fought the urge to laugh.
"You think that's funny, huh? I'll tell you what's funny. The look on you face when you saw that lady coming," Roy stated. He was also trying to remain serious but the picture of Johnny's earlier plight kept playing in his mind. Now that they were safely back at the station and away from that angry bull, the humour in the situation became more apparent.
"Why'd she have to come along just then?" Johnny complained.
"Be glad she did or we'd be there yet," Roy pointed out.
"You know what, Partner? You're right," Johnny grinned.
Roy, too, gave in to laughter. "That has to be the most ridiculous situation we've ever been in, Partner."
"You got that right, but it could have been worse," Johnny laughed.
"I'd like to know how," Roy said when he was able.
"Suppose it hadn't been those farmers that found us. Suppose it was a search crew sent by the Department. We'd really have a lot of explaining to do then." This thought sobered Johnny a bit but Roy seemed to get more hysterical.
"Suppose it had been a TV crew, Partner. What a TV first that would have been! Especially if they had happened along at the same moment that those farmers did." Roy almost fell out of his chair laughing at that idea.
"That's not funny," Johnny said, narrowing his eyes at his partner.
He wasn't really mad this time but if Roy didn't quit laughing they'd never
be able to put together a story that the cap would both believe and not assign
them a lifetime of latrine duty for. Just thinking the word 'latrine' got
Johnny laughing too.
(Editor's note -- this story was formerly an answer to Challenge 3a)